Archive for May, 2011

May 13, 2011

Anathema

Hello, mama.

Since I could never tell you this, I’m going to write it down in here, so that you will never be able to read it:

si él no volviera a casa nunca más, no me importaría lo más mínimo.

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May 13, 2011

My evil doppelganger

I am getting old.

I realized the other day while taping myself that I no longer look young. Not like I used to.

I am getting tired, also.

I thought that speaking out loud about some things and taping it would help me unblock myself. And so I was virtually speaking to my ex boyfriends and telling them that I could not care less about them. And while doing it, I felt nothing, but when I looked at my face I felt old enough to die. And I wondered if maybe my friends talk about that when I’m not there.

-Sygila’s been looking quite older lately, don’t you think?
-Yes. I think she might be going through one of her stages, you know.
-I wonder if she’s all right. She never talks about her problems, anyway.

But I do talk about my problems. FUCK, I DO FUCKING TALK ABOUT THEM.

You just do not want to hear what I have to say, and I happen to know why. Can’t blame you all, though.

You cannot solve my problems. Not even if you were willing to actually hear about them. You know almost nothing about me.

Nobody knows.

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May 13, 2011

Death is the anthology of the unknown.

May 12, 2011

Just like an unnoticed gold seam,
your violence hides from my eyes
most of the time.

Concentrated, it throbs behind the skin
praying not to scare me
and push me

far away.

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May 12, 2011

Lineage claims

If you only knew about any of my actual passtimes
you wouldn’t claim a grandson from me anymore
and you would pray to have your precious lineage extinct.

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May 12, 2011

Shamefulness

I know you didn’t mean to have me. I know.
I know somebody told you to go to London and get rid of me. I know.
I know you were 42 at that time. I know.
And you already had two grown up sons. I know.

I know you didn’t even have to think about it. I know.

I also know what you think sometimes. I know.

Well, what if my daughter thought we did not want to have her after all?

I know mama, I know.

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May 12, 2011

No te vayas, mamá.

Tengo miedo.

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